Things I can no longer share….

 I miss her.  I miss the phone calls to talk about her day.  I missed helping to set up her room at school.  I missed the field trip to find the best prices on crayons, markers, and glue sticks to replenish her bins!  I miss sharing the victory of finding “five dollar pants!”  I missed making her a new back to school apron.  

I miss her smile!  I miss her arrival at my house in her bright yellow jeep, huge bag(s) slung over her shoulder, fast food wrappers for my trash.  I miss her creative outfits, bold jewlery, and funky shoes.  I miss all that I took for granted before the diagnosis.  I miss going for lunch!  I miss her texts, emails, and posts. 

I miss listening to the current “crisis”.  I miss the relating of her plans, big and small.  I miss making her pair of annual Christmas socks;  bright, colorful, and increasingly complicated patterns. I miss talking through challenges with a student or parents or teacher that she was trying to help.  I miss seeing this years “school picture”.

I know I will always have the memories.  I will always be the mother of four!  I think of her often.  Things remind me of her.  I see things I would like to get for her or tell her about.  But its not the same.  I miss the  relationship we had.  I miss her. 

A day out!

 I had lunch yesterday with an assortment of women I knew from my work life.  It was a pleasant outing to the Cheesecake Factory in the local mall.  We all remarked at how great everyone looked—must be less stress in retirement!  And we did not talk at all about “work”, but did share “news” about other former associates!  Glad they invited me.

While at the mall, I decided to go to the new Crate and Barrel and buy some bowls.  I had checked on line before I left.  Internet says they have the bowls.  When I get to the mall, I must walk through it to the other side to get to the C&B.  Made me realize that I haven’t been in the mall for years—not pandemic related!  

When I got to  the store, I walked up to the service desk and asked where the bowls were.  A nice gal grabbed her I pad and talked to someone on her communication device clipped to her shirt.  They were checking “in the back”,   Soon they began checking in the front.  After much searching she found two bowls in a display.  The internet and their computers had lied!  They did not have 4 bowls!  She offered to ship them to my home.  I did not need to walk through the mall for that!  Could have ordered them online from home!   So much for their fancy inventory control system!

Today they are FINALLY starting in the construction to convert our screen porch into a year round sun room.  Has been a long time coming.  Like 2 1/2 years!  A heart attack, a pandemic, lumber shortage, distribution problems, worker shortage, etc.  All played into the delay.  So excited it has finally begun!  We will see if they can accomplish this in their stated timeline…I’m thinking not.  But am hopeful that the Christmas tree will be displayed in a new space this year!

So fun lunch, not so fun retail experience and hope that our new room might be ready by winter!  Not a bad day at all. 

Its been a long time….

 And a lot has happened in my life.  Thats the thing, time marches on without you doing a thing!  I enjoyed blogging, but then got..distracted, bored, busy, unmotivated… maybe all of these.  One day, I just couldn’t sign in, and did not bother to figure it out.

Change is inevitable.  Time passes.  We change, out situations change, things happen to us and around us. Some we control, most we cant’t.  We can only control how we react.

The last two years have been tough.  Nobody asked for a pandemic! Especially one we really did not understand, at least in the beginning.  People got sick (yes, I did in the very beginning before it was even a headline) and some died.  There was controversy and drama and politicizing, with endless news cycles of doom.  We stayed apart, locked down, sanitizing and trying our best not to be a victim.  It didn't help that it was global.  It was hard not to succumb to fear.

Hopefully, we are now on the upside.  There is a  vaccine, things are re-opening.  Kids are returning to school, so there is hope that someday things will be normal again….someday.   But we are forever changed and those of us who survived will carry this experience with us for the rest of our lives.  It is hard not to fear that it may happen again, or that it is not really ever going to be “over”.  That we will just have to “live with it”…. Because really, that is all we can do.

For those of us who have survived this pandemic, time marches on.  A lot more will happen, good and bad.  Someday this may be a memory, not unlike polio.  Hopefully in the rear view mirror.   But this is not something I can control.  

I did manage to get back into my blog —small victory!  A good change is that I may be able to continue to  express myself and organize my thoughts on my blog.  A lot has happened.  It has been a long time.  Hopefully, I will be able to sign in tomorrow!  We will see!